What is a Near Life Experience (or NLE)? Well it has been defined many different ways. But first we must look at it's better known counterpart Near Death Experience (or NDE). A NDE is when someone comes so close to dieing that, one; they are traumatised to the point that they enjoy the rest of their life a lot more then before. Two: Someone comes so close to dieing that wired things start happening, such as time appears to slow down, and everything is very vivid. Also there is the times when some one dies and before they are revived they see thing, of which I will not get into because it is not important. So besides that last little bit remember what I said about NDE, it will be refer to again.
So then what is NLE? And what are the ways that it has been defined. Here are what a few popular sources had to say on NLE.
1. The GBPT (The Grannies Book of Proper Terms.) A NLE is when someone almost plays that board game where you get married and have kids get jobs and can go to college.
2.From the TBFA. (Terrorist Book of Failed Attempts.) A NALE (a near AFTER life experience) is when you forget to put the detonator on your bomb. Resulting in a NALE and ESAG (Extended Stay At Getmoe*.) (Note: No clue if I spelled that "*" right. I only hope you know what I am talking about.)
3. This one is taken from Pg. 10,347 in the WDPFM (Women's Derogatory Phrases For Men.) "A Near Life Experience occurs when he almost turns off the X-box."
How do I define it you ask? Oh...You did not ask? Well I will tell you anyway. Remember that little spill about NDE? Well bear that in mind for what I am about to tell you.
Have you ever heard it said "To really live you must almost die." The same concept is push forward in a song that goes "Some day I wise you get the chance, to live like you were dieing." Don't ask who wrote it I do not know. It is a country song I think. (where was I...)
Yes, to almost die you must really li...sigh...to really live you must almost die. It is a famous saying so just pretend you know it. So lets go to the old math board shall we...
If this is true that almost dieing produces really living.
AD makes RL
Then we can take our next step. Now let say that AD is equal to a NDE. So...
NDE makes RL.
So now let's add in a "Factor". What if you add a Almost to NDE. That would change things to...
ANDE makes ARL. We can now say that Almost Really Live is equal to Near Life. We can change it to that with out losing context...I think. So...
ANDE makes a NLE. That's Almost Near Death Experience will cause a Near Life Experience.
What do you mean this does not make any sense? Oh...you did not say that either...But you thought it! It will make sense when I apply it to a real word situation. Enter... (bet you did not see this one coming)
THE RETURN OF...MY LIFE AS AN ATTIC RAT.
So it was a hot summer day...(what other type is there around here) it was a normal summer day for south Texas and I had received a text dispatch from my boss early that morning. "Service Call CR 57, A/C not cooling." Well County Road 57 was right down the street so I went over there right away. Upon getting there I went to work. This was easy to figure out what the problem was. The unit was pulling a zero degrees supper heat. Dirty coil, yes sir. In fact I noted that the condenser coil was dirty to. I sold the job there on the spot and went right to work. After cleaning both coils ( I will not go into what all that Intel's, if you want to know ask me in the comments) I prepared to recharge the system. I opened the first valve. The hiss of the trapped freon racing into the vacuum in the lines met my ears letting me now that very thing was working right so far. I inserted my yellow jacket refrigeration ratchet into the hole on the second valve. I turned it once...then twice and then...my world was turned upside down. (it was really just me that was upside down) My vision was gone, engulf in a fog like vapor. My hearing...there was a loud crash and then a high pitch whine and nothing else. Next thing I know I was air born and spinning like a Hamster wheel. I landed on my back and bounce/rolled till I opened my eyes...I was fifteen feet away from where I had been crouching. The burst valve and my tool had both half covered them selves in the dirt when I found them. Some where in between there the old man who lived there found time to walk all the way from the front of his property to the back of the house to help me up. I am not sure how fast he moved, but something tells me he could have stopped to hard boiled an egg on his way and I would have never known the difference.
That is what I call my Almost Near Death Experience. Or as you might recall my Near Life Experience.
Now that you know what a NLE is, leave a comment with your NLE. If you do not have one tell about your ANLE, or AANLE............
Robert L.
P.S. Yes this is a joke do not leave nasty comments about poor math logic and dumb talk.
